||[Sep. 22nd, 2007|12:38 pm]
|[||current state of overwhelming misery
Some guy who i've come to know as "cute spanish independent film guy" gave me his phone number yestarday at work. It sucks that I have blocked myself off from male contact due to the fact that I am drawn to the completely unnattainable and the attainable makes me want to kill myself. Granted, I wouldn't do such a thing but I have been made to feel like such a shitty human being every night this week due to things that are beyond my control. No matter who I date, I would constantly be comparing them to the unnattainable. I'm fucking sick of the unnattainable.
I need some drugs.
I have work in twenty minutes, so it's much too late to call in depressed again.
It's not even that I'm upset over people worth my time. I'm upset because I'm being pressured to do things I don't want to do. Not because I am a bad human being, but because I am sick of history repeating itself and for once I want to prove that I do have at least an ounce of respect for myself left. A lot of people are under the impression that I don't.
Yes, I put out quick. Yes, I tend to follow my emotions as compared to my brain. But, fuck it, who doesn't? It's not that I fell out of love. It's just, I needed to take a stand for myself. I feel better overall. It sucks that people left. It sucks that I have miles and miles of seperation and agony coming in the future. Whatever, though.
I just want some rolls.