So I log onto Myspace today and Kyle left me a message that said he wasn't really sure what to say or how to say it, but he would like to hang out again sometime. He said if I agree to just message him back, so I told him sure. He didn't apologize for abandoning me for so long as a friend, which isn't what I wanted. I just wanted to know he didn't forget about me.
Also, I've come to the conclusion that barista-ing sucks. It's fun. It's great. You make a ton of money. But I spill things. However, working at Borders is awesome so I'll just keep trying until I don't fuck up anymore. The staff and managers are all really nice and make you feel like you've been working there for a while.
I'm still in love with Chris, though, and I came to the conclusion that I hate being in love. Should I ever fall in love again, I will lock myself in my room and stab the wall with an ice pick.
I thought about doing unmentionable things today, but then I thought I'm better than that. Of course, it took talking to Vicky cuz the person I wanted to talk to made it perfectly obvious that they don't care if something horrible happens to me.
Nothing hurts more than walking out on a person to turn around see they've shut the garage door and gone inside...
Just to clear things up, I think my hatred of Mr. Kyle G has actually surpassed my hatred for Ashley Morgan. I think they should be put in a room together where they are both denied of drugs and alcohol. Along with some other people that I don't really HATE but strongly dislike to the point where them being deprived of the only resources they ever take in would be gone.
I don't know if he compared ME to a taco per se. But something about love being like a taco. Once it's there, it's gone, and then you eat another taco. I'M NOT A FUCKING TACO! I HATE TACOS!! At least compare me to a pizza. Or a latte. A fucking taco??!! I know, I need to get over myself. LoL. I could only hope to have once been a taco.
Hmm...Chris is cool though. It just sucks to think about the future and know that in 5 years from now things may or may not work out.
Who knows what I want when I'm older? Nothing pisses me off then when I'm talking to my shrink or my mom and they say something retarded like "you're not getting any younger". That pisses me off. Almost as much as the time when my shrink was like "Have you ever thought about quitting pot and not spending your weekends getting 'shitfaced'?" Yes, because I'm going to wake up one morning and say "hmm...let me quit all my vices". There was a time when I loved going to therapy, now it's become a chore. I've cut off psychiatric and by working all the time I'm hoping to cut out psychoanalysis too.
I don't cut myself. I quit doing drugs. I don't fuck the first guy that smiles at me. I don't have mood swings. Everything the therapist says goes in one ear and out the other. So Fuck it. I'm just not going to go anymore.
I still work at the theatre on the side, but now I work at Borders too. I start bookseller training on Monday at 6. Then a week or so after that, they move me into the cafe` where I get to serve yuppies beverages. Not bad, not bad. I'm excited.
I left school. Finding a second job to feed the family took precedence over my last semester. I'm trying to go back in January.
I realized the other day that I am, indeed, really really mad at Kyle. I wrote him a note on Myspace detailing this, and he read it, but didn't care. That's a shocker *rolls eyes*.
I made a new friend at Starbucks named Frank. He's 29 and really hot. I met him a few months back when I was still dating Chris. I told him I had a boyfriend that wouldn't like me going to Projekt Revolution with some other guy, so he gave me his phone number anyway. A couple of weeks ago he visited me at work cuz he was watching a movie with his friend. We talked for a few. I didn't give him my number. Then he showed up at Starbucks later that week when I was with Anna and we talked, I gave him my number, and have been hanging out with him as friends. He's hot, but he's really more like that older guy you turn to when you need someone to talk to. He's pretty awesome. Made it on to my good side. Still, I like him only as a friend.
I'm just letting everyone out there in LJ land know that I am still alive. Life isn't going too good, but not TOO bad. If I were to post like I used to, I would have one of those annoying LJs with sayings of how I just want to be held, and all that lame depressing crap that annoys me. I don't want to point any elbows or anything. I fucked up my life, yes. I chose to smoke pot, pop x, and drink, which resulted in the frying of my brain. It's my fault, but whatever. Who cares now. It's just getting life back on track that's difficult. I lost my job at the Pita Pit. I still work at the theatre, of course. I no longer care, though. Everything's just wahtever. As the song states, I get by with a little help from my friends.
So today was my second day as a Pita Pit employee.
I dropped Philly Cheese Steak Extreme or whatever it's called on the floor.
A stripper yelled at me for putting oil on her chicken breast in order to make it cook faster.
I got complemented on my skills towards rolling a wheat pita, though. Those things break quite easily, apparently.
On a side note: I tried so hard to hate you, but it only made things worse. I only end up hating myself. And as my hatred grows, so do the lies. It's hard to face the truth sometimes. God I feel so useless. I get this way when I try to get over you. I get this way...will I ever get over you?
How come I let myself get so bent out of shape over a fling?
OMG I SAW CRADLE OF FILTH AT REVOLUTION!!! I GOT BEER AND FAKE BLOOD ON ME!!!! A KINDA STRANGE DRUNK GUY CAME UP TO ME AND TRIED TO PICK ME UP. I POLITELY PUT HIS NUMBER INTO MY PHONE AND WENT DOWNSTAIRS WHEN CRADLE CAME ON!!! I DROVE AN HOUR TO FIND THE VENUE, I GOT LOST, YELLED AT BY A PARKING ATTENDANT, BUT IT WAS SO WORTH IT IN THE END!
in other news, sex....yeah, that's it. sex. just had some. loved it. had a great time. like the dude. hate myself.
the other dude...infatuated still. don't know why i bother. he fuckin hates me. but whatever. i guess that's what happens when you screw in your circle of friends.
I did something bad. Something awful. I might be leading someone on, but I'm not sure cuz I don't know what I want. I have no idea. I'm so lost. I wish I would die. That's why I wrote down the lyrics to that song. I just don't want to hurt anyone, except maybe myself.
Let's get fucked up and die.
I am speaking figuratively of course.
Like the last time that I committed suicide.
Yeah, so I'm already dead,
On the inside but I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs I have learned to love the lie.
I want to know what its like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I want to know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense,yeah.
Let me in, let me into the club 'cause I want to belong,
And I need to get strong.
And if memory serves I'm addicted to words.
And they're useless...in this department.
Let's get fucked up and die.
I'm riding hard on the last legs of every lie.
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode.
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess I'm a wreck.
I am perfect and I have learned to accept,
All my problems and shortcomings 'cause I'm so visceral, yet deeply inept.
I want to thank you for being a part of my.
"Forget me nots and marigolds and other things that don't get old."
Is it legal to do this?
I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself,
Through other peoples descriptions of life.
I'm afraid, I'm alone and entirely useless...in this department.
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feelings we'll try not to smile.
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights that still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can overcome this and beat everything in the end.
But I choose to abuse for the time being.
Maybe I'll win. But for now I've decided to die.
Sister soldier you've been such a positive influence on my mental frame.
If I could ever repay you I would but I'm hard up for cash and my memory lacks
Initiative. Goddamn the liquor store's closed we were so close to scoring.
It hurts, it destroys 'til it kills. I am tired and hungry and totally useless...
In this department.